you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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