this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
