So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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