I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
