And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
ugly people sure do ruin things
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
