sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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