I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
