new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
