u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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