Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
someone owes me an orgasm
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
