I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
