you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
