since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
