I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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