I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you inspire me to be a worse person
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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