If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Randomize
