Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
