im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
