I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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