I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
