There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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