STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
