he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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