apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
How's work?
Spinning.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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