overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
