I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
