wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
