I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
