I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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