so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
