The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
