I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
