This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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