Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
