I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
