I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
