Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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