the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
