My Higher Power is John Stamos
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
