so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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