Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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