He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I looked at my own cervix.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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