is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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