I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize