I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
