Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
