can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
