he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
