she is the kim kardashian of front butts
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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