I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
