TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
