I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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