Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
