What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
