Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
