maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
