I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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