When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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