Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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