u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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