i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
