Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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