I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
