My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
